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Tuesday, April 10, 2018
Sudanese Refugee Who Raped Me Now Seeks Custody of My Little Miracle, by Penny
When I met
him in the summer of 2016, he seemed friendly, but it was clear that he didn’t understand boundaries
as he was touchy, hugged a lot and was seen asking all of the women in the
neighborhood if they needed help with their yard or in the house. He told me
and my mom that he wanted to find a white woman to marry and have kids with.
Despite these odd behaviors, the few times I had spoken with him, he still seemed
genuinely wanting to help women. I just figured he was naïve and that there
were cultural differences because he was a Sudanese refugee.
When I heard
that he had gone to jail for a disturbing crime of “sexual contact with a
vulnerable adult,” I was shocked and confused.
I reached out to him in jail to get his side of the story. I was met there by his refugee advocate, and
they both assured me of his innocence.
Upon his
release from jail, he contacted me, asking if he could see me to thank me for
coming to see him in the jail. We talked
over the course of a few days and became friends.
There was a
lot of prejudice going on in my small Idaho town about the refugees, and
befriending him was my way of being positive and welcoming. When he was soon
dismissed of the sexual assault charge, that was confirmation for me of his
innocence.
It wasn't
very long before he began making comments about wanting to be more than
friends. At this time, my boyfriend and I were going through a hard time and in
the middle of a split, and this Sudanese man knew this. He acted concerned, but
soon started to say things about wanting to be with me, and I made it very
clear that it would never happen.
I was now
staying with a friend. My phone was going to be shut off soon because of my
inability to pay for it. When I told him
about it, he got very sad and offered to pay so he’d be able to talk to me. He became obsessive in calling and texting, but
I felt obligated to reply.
He would
always ask me who I was with, what I was doing, and where I was. He would
constantly ask me to come over or if he could come where I was. If I didn't respond in time or told him I was
busy, he would become upset and tell me how lonely he was and sad.
He began
saying things like I was his heart and he wasn't complete without me. I repeatedly told him it wasn't appropriate
and I only cared for him like a brother. Still, this didn't stop the unwelcomed comments.
On numerous occasions out in public, he would try to put his arm around me. He
would ask, “If you and me had a baby, would they have your eyes?” Or he would point to a baby and say, “If we
had a baby, would it look like that?” I told him to stop saying those things,
and that it wasn't ok to ask me that because it wouldn't happen and it made me
uncomfortable. He would just laugh, and act like he was just joking around.
But then he
tried to get me to move in with him to save money, which I refused. To avoid
seeing him, I used the excuse of not having gas, so he insisted on filling my
gas tank to make sure that wouldn't be an issue. In hindsight, I now see how I was the one who
was naïve, still feeling sorry for him and believing he was awkward but kind.
One night, I told him I was having a girls
night with my friend. He showed up where we were, and even though he said it
was against his Muslim faith to drink alcohol, he bought us drinks that night. While I was dancing with a guy, I could see he
was behaving jealous, and again, I told him his feelings were inappropriate.
When it came
time to leave, he began begging me to come with him. He was almost in tears
because I refused and proceeded to confess his love, but in a harassing way, turning
into a scene. My friend was concerned,
and even the bouncer had noticed, asking if I was okay. After almost a half hour of arguing with him,
he finally stopped, and I told him it would be best for him to stay away
from me if being around me was so hard on him and he couldn't accept the way
things were. He then grabbed me and forcibly kissed me. I was so upset! I walked away from him and over to my friend
who saw the whole thing, along with the bouncer.
We didn't
talk for a few days and I thought he must have finally accepted what I had
said. Then I received messages telling me that he had talked with his god and
asked for forgiveness for having such out of control feelings of love and
desire for sex. He told me it was
against his religion to even be around me.
I told him I didn't want to compromise his beliefs and I understood why
he was saying goodbye. But it wasn’t long before he began texting me again.
A few weeks
later, my friend and I dressed up for Halloween, but decided to stay in. He asked us to come to the bar, offering to buy
drinks, but we declined. Reluctantly, we agreed he could stop by because his
apology had seemed so sincere, so my friend drove my car to go get him. I had
already had some drinks at that point and was feeling the effects.
It came time
for us to settle down and get ready for bed. I aired up my mattress, but he asked that I go
with him for just a bit to the bar and he would buy me another drink. My friend
expressed that she didn't think it was a good idea because I wasn't in a good
state of mind to make decisions. He took her aside and assured her I’d be safe,
but she was adamant that I was too intoxicated.
Regrettably, I began to argue with her, and it ended in me leaving with
him.
He drove my
car to the store to get more beer and then drove to the canyon rim. I drank more in the car. Then he began kissing
me while I was drunk and vulnerable. The next thing I knew, we were at his
house in the bedroom. As I was sobering
up, I realized what he had planned. I said
I was tired and needed to sleep. But he would not accept that.
He undressed
and grabbed his penis, sadistically telling me he was sure that “_____” (the developmentally
disable girl who had previously accused him of sexual assault) was scared of
how big his penis was. He had just admitted to me that he really did commit
assault upon that girl! In that moment, realizing he’d raped before and got
away with it, I was absolutely terrified.
It was clear he said it to scare me, to let me know he was about to rape
me.
I pleaded
with him to stop -- that this wasn't ok, and he told me it wasn't ok to stop. I
started crying and pleading. When he was
done, I sobbed and repeatedly asked, “Why would you do this?” It was bizarre as
he described the shape and feel of my insides. (I now think of the accusations in the police report of the developmentally disabled girl, which I've since read, and how
similar this was.) I begged him to please
leave me alone. After several minutes he
finally did, and left the room. With my
head spinning, I cried myself to sleep.
The next
morning, he was sitting at the table and began telling me how sorry he was. I told him if he was sorry he had to go buy me
the morning after pill. He went and got
it quickly because he lived close to Walmart. I took it right there and then left.
I told my
friend how he raped me, and she urged me to go to the police, but I didn't
report the rape because I was so afraid. He had gotten away with this once before. If I reported him and he got out of jail again,
he knew where my mom lived, where my friends lived, where my ex lived. . . . I was too afraid of what he might do.
Weeks went
by and I still hadn't started my cycle, though I assumed that the morning after
pill was successful. The box said it had
a 98% success rate at preventing pregnancy. Nevertheless, I eventually took a
pregnancy test and I couldn't believe I was pregnant!
I hadn’t
seen him since the night he raped me. My
mom moved out into the countryside, and I moved with her to get away from
him. Since he didn’t have a car, I
figured he’d finally leave me alone if I was far enough away.
When I first learned I was pregnant, I was even more furious with him than before. So I sent him a message telling him the consequences of what he’d done. He said I should marry him. Disgusted, I told him, “Never!” It was then that I realized he’d done this all to get a white wife.
He then said he didn't want children with a woman he wasn't married to. I told him he should not have done what he did then. Then he started pressuring me to abort. He even told me that the refugee advocate was a nurse and could get me a pill that would cause me to lose the baby. I told him repeatedly to stop asking me to abort, but he kept at it. I had made up my mind that, having survived the morning after pill, the little miracle growing in me was meant to be.
When I first learned I was pregnant, I was even more furious with him than before. So I sent him a message telling him the consequences of what he’d done. He said I should marry him. Disgusted, I told him, “Never!” It was then that I realized he’d done this all to get a white wife.
He then said he didn't want children with a woman he wasn't married to. I told him he should not have done what he did then. Then he started pressuring me to abort. He even told me that the refugee advocate was a nurse and could get me a pill that would cause me to lose the baby. I told him repeatedly to stop asking me to abort, but he kept at it. I had made up my mind that, having survived the morning after pill, the little miracle growing in me was meant to be.
Eventually,
he left me alone and I went on with my pregnancy without hearing from him. That
was until weeks before I was about to deliver, when he messaged me over Facebook
asking me how I was -- like everything was just normal and nothing had
happened.
He asked if
I was having a boy or girl and seemed to insinuate that my ex got me pregnant, so
I asked him, “Are you in denial?” Again, he said he wished to have kids with a
girl he was married to. I responded that
this not a situation I’d ever thought I’d be in, but I’d accepted it and was
looking forward to the birth of my baby. I brought up the night he raped me, and
he began to lie about what happened, and kept saying, “If the baby is mine, I
will take care of it.” That freaked me
out, because he’d wanted her dead through abortion, so I was scared he’d kill
her once she’s born. I told him she was
my baby and I didn’t want him to be a part of her life.
After she
was born, he contacted me again asking whose she was, saying he’d have to get
DNA done and asking if I was on assistance. When he asked if he could see her, I told him
I wasn't comfortable with that. He began to say that we should raise her
together and that I was selfish. I was terrified! I asked him what his religion says about all
of this. I told him he would never see
her unsupervised, but reluctantly agreed for him to see her just once, so he
could see she’s clearly biracial, just hoping this would make it easier to get
child support for her because I didn’t know how I would be able to raise her
without financial help. But instead of
following through with the visit, he blocked me from contacting him and I was
relieved.
I never
anticipated the Court would be like this.
I hadn’t considered that my rapist -- who wanted my baby aborted, who
said having a child out of marriage would bring shame to him -- would actually
want custody of my child! I know now
that this is a power and control issue.
I have no doubt as to why he is doing this. I have now filed a police report, but I only
wish I’d gone to the police right away.
I’m on state
assistance, but I had to hire an attorney, which will cost $3,500 minimum. My mom is helping me, but it won’t be nearly
enough. I've now learned that under Idaho law, Section 16:2005, the court can terminate his parental rights, with a "rebuttable presumption" that it's in my child's best interests where the "parent caused the child to be conceived as a result of rape," and Idaho law does not require a rape conviction, like some other states still do.
I protected my little miracle during my pregnancy, and the thought of him being anywhere near my daughter has given me the courage to come forward and tell our story of how she was conceived. I joined a support group a while ago for other rape victim moms, and I heard the horror stories of others having to fight their rapist over custody, but somehow with him claiming his religion was so important to him, I never thought he would have the audacity to seek any parental rights, let alone custody.
I protected my little miracle during my pregnancy, and the thought of him being anywhere near my daughter has given me the courage to come forward and tell our story of how she was conceived. I joined a support group a while ago for other rape victim moms, and I heard the horror stories of others having to fight their rapist over custody, but somehow with him claiming his religion was so important to him, I never thought he would have the audacity to seek any parental rights, let alone custody.
My rapist should
never be trusted with a baby. Having
sexually assaulted a developmentally disabled girl and having raped me,
I'm terrified of what he is capable of doing to my baby girl. If he could
take advantage of two vulnerable women, then what would he do to a child?
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1 comments:
Sin . . . it ruins everything.
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