Follow Save the 1
Thursday, February 18, 2016
I'd Endure The Rape Again To Hold My Child Alive, by Kaitlin Westbrook
At the age of 19, I was a very happy, vibrant young
woman, excited about what the future had in store for me. I was a freshman attending college in San
Antonio, excited about meeting new
people and swimming on the university’s swim team. However, I had no idea that my freshman year
was going to be the worst year of my life.
October 8th is a day I will never forget. Someone who I thought was a really good friend at the time,
came to visit me at college, with plans to hang out and go to dinner. What was supposed to be a pleasant
evening turned into a nightmare. On this
particular day, all of my friends who lived on the same dorm floor as
me left to go to the college soccer game, including my RA – Resident Assistant.
When everybody left, it was just me and
my friend.
As he locked the door to my room and turned on the music loudly,
I knew something was seriously wrong. At
6:15 pm, the man I thought I knew so well as a friend, revealed himself to be a
monster. He brutally raped me in my dorm
room, punching me in the head, throwing me into the bed post, choking
me, and ultimately raping me with a knife pointed at my ribs. I screamed and screamed, but no one came, and
he knew no one would be around.
He told me I was worthless, and threatened to kill me if I
told anyone about his actions. He also
told me he would rape other women and I wouldn’t be able to stop him, then
saying these rapes would be my fault. On top of that, he told me that if I got
pregnant, he would come and cut the baby out of me. Terrified, I didn’t report the
crime. I believed his threats and I was afraid he would come back and kill me,
because I’d already heard that there’s very little justice for rape victims, and I felt hopeless.
Just a few weeks later, on
October 27th, I found out I was pregnant from
the rape, and of course, I didn’t want anyone to know, for fear that the rapist
would find out, then come after me to kill the baby, just as he’d threatened to
do.
When I went to the doctor, I told him what had happened and the
first words out of his mouth were, “It’s still early in the pregnancy, so you
still have options.” Options?!!!
Having been adopted myself, I told the doctor I wanted to have
the baby and place the baby for adoption. I felt a very close connection with my
birthmom, being the same exact age she was when she had me, and I wanted my
child to have a family like I had. The
doctor didn’t even let me finish talking and said, “Who is going to want a
rapist’s child? The child will always
remind you of what you have been through. It’s still early enough to get an abortion.” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing! This is my child – a child of God. Despite his
horrible attempts at fear-mongering, I stormed out of the doctor’s office and
didn’t look back.
The way the doctor reacted threw me into years and years of
silence. I thought, “What would people
think if I told them I was raped and was going to give birth to this child? Would they blame me for what happened? Would
they call my baby a ‘demon child’?” I
thought that the only way to protect myself and my child was to not talk about
it and pretend it didn't happen. In fact, I never even disclosed the rape to the prospective adoptive parents, until
just last year, out of fear that what the doctor said would be true – that they’d
change their mind about wanting the baby.
I was very excited about this new life. I knew I could turn this terrible situation
into a positive one by giving my baby up for adoption. I had already decided to ask one of my
friend’s mom if she would be willing to adopt my baby because I was aware that
she recently suffered a miscarriage. Sure enough, this couple did want to
adopt my baby!
I felt so blessed that God would give me this sweet angel
growing inside of me to help me heal. I have always considered my child
to be my beauty from pain. Even though
what happened was horrible, a sweet little baby was conceived.
About a month after learning I was pregnant, I suddenly began
experiencing sharp pains and bleeding. Fear
came over me that I might lose this baby – my light in the darkness. One of my friends rushed me to Urgent Care,
and they informed me that I was in the process of miscarrying. This news was devastating and I was completely
heart broken.
After that, I became more depressed and more distant from my
friends. I didn’t tell any of my friends about my pregnancy
or the miscarriage until two or three years later. Thoughts of hurting myself to end the pain
engulfed me. I even called the rapist
to scream at him, telling him that I’d become pregnant from the rape, and that
the miscarriage was his fault. But all he did was blame me more, telling me I
miscarried because I would be a bad mom.
I felt empowered by having called him, because my voice was heard.
A week later, God saved me yet again. He sent me a message in a dream. In my dream, the Virgin Mary came down from Heaven
holding a red-haired, blue-eyed baby boy. Mary said, “Katie, your child, Michael Jude is
safe and loved. He is in the hands of
God. He loves you dearly and so does
God. Please know that your child is
always watching over you, now and forever.” The dream gave me so much
hope and I truly believe that my child has been with me this whole time. Michael has been with me through my panic
attacks, flashbacks, nightmares, and constant emotional abuse from my
rapist who stalked me for years.
I have PTSD and depression -- not just from the rape, but from
the miscarriage. I experienced two
traumas that mashed together. I
constantly have nightmares and panic attacks because of both traumas.
Being adopted myself, I take abortion very seriously. After going through this, I feel a very close
connection to my birthmother. She could
have aborted me, but instead she gave me the most beautiful gift -- my life! I understand what it’s like to lose a child
whether it’s through adoption or miscarriage.
I hate when people make the rape exception. Women are stronger and more resilient than
society gives us credit -- we don’t need to kill our children to be emotionally
healthy. Just because I was raped
doesn’t mean I can perpetrate violence upon another and take away a life. My
child is a blessing and I honor him every day by speaking up and telling women
abortion is not okay.
Honestly, if I had had an abortion, my healing process would
have been very slow and even more difficult. Not only would I be having nightmares about
the rape, but I would also be dealing with the guilt of the abortion. To
help you understand even more – I want you to know that I would endure the
rape all over again if I could hold my child alive and see that sweet
face.
Even still, Michael Jude has bought me such healing. Last year was the first time I spoke up
about the rape, pregnancy and miscarriage seven years ago. I reported the crime to the police last year, and I
believe all of that was possible to do because of God and my sweet Michael.
On October 8, 2008 – the day I was raped, God stayed with me in
that room and told me to hold on. He
calmed me down and helped me survive. He saved my life on that horrid day and
gave me a beautiful gift -- my beloved son.
I have decided that every year on October 27th – the date
my baby left this Earth, I will send a balloon into heaven with a note to
Michael Jude. It warms my heart to know
God is watching over my precious angel! I
know I have a long journey towards healing, but as long as I have
God’s love and my child watching over me, I can do anything!
I began to discuss the loss of my child with my therapist, and
my desire to somehow connect with other women who had conceived out of
rape. My therapist turned to her
computer, searched the term, “conceived
in rape,” and Rebecca Kiessling’s story popped up, with a link to Save the 1. I watched the short Save The 1 promo video and
was amazed to see all of these beautiful people who were conceived in this way,
as well as the mothers like me, who became pregnant by rape and love their
children. I knew that this was a means
for me to honor my son, by advocating for my son’s right to life, and others
like him. I’m grateful for what Save The
1 stands for and does for women who have experienced this trauma.
And now I’m bearing witness to the truth -- a child conceived in rape is the
mother’s beauty from her pain.
I love you Michael Jude. I hope you know how much I value your life. I
honor you!
BIO: Kaitlin Westbrook is a swim coach, certified
teacher, pro-life blogger for Save The 1, residing in Texas. She is available for speaking.
Read her poem she wrote to her son: By Your Side
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comments:
Hi guys! Just wanted to clear something up. I found out I was pregnant on October 27, 2008 and on that day every year I send a balloon into Heaven. I lost the baby in November 2008. But I don't talk about that day to much.
Post a Comment
Comment rules:
Please do not criticize or berate others you can disagree with their comments and views but please be an adult about things and don't resort to cursing, insulting, and name calling.
Please do not post any private information about yourself or others (i.e. email addresses, phone numbers, etc.)
Please be respectful, civil, and considerate.
The following is NOT allowed under any circumstances and will result in your comments being deleted and not published, and could result in you being banned from any further commenting.
No Blasphemy in any way shape or form this is a Christian owned blog.
No swearing, slandering, or threatening of any kind.
No insults of any religion, gender, race, will be allowed.
Any threats will be immediately reported to authorities.