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Thursday, July 30, 2015
The Abortion Was Worse Than The Rape, by Tammy
At the age of 16, just a few days
before my 17th birthday, I went on my very first date. I was thrilled. He played football and was
popular. We ate and saw a movie. I still had some time left before my curfew, so
we drove around our rural area for a little while. We went to some of his
family's property and walked around looking at horses. My first date, which
seemed like a total dream, soon turned into a nightmare when he forceably raped
me in a barn.
I'm here to tell you that abortion
is never the answer. It will only cause
an already painful and difficult situation to be even more hurtful. During
my abortion procedure I was terrified. I kept asking questions about what was
about to happen and no one seemed to want to answer me. Looking back, I think
they wanted to hurry up before I had a chance to change my mind. For many years
after, I would have terrible anxiety and even panic attacks at times any time I
heard anything that remotely sounded like a heartbeat. For a long time I didn't
know that's what I was reacting to and it wasn't until many years later when my
husband and I were expecting our first child together that I connected the
anxiety to certain sounds.
I didn't tell anyone initially;
after all, he threatened me immediately after, telling me that I would live to
regret it if I told anyone, that he’d make my life miserable, and that nobody
would believe me. A couple of weeks later, I told a friend. After talking
with a few people, and finding out that he had already been spreading his
version of what happened that night, no one believed me. People who I trusted
and loved and who should have supported me did not. I began to just deny the whole thing and
started trying to block it from my memory.
I didn’t think a lot about the possibility
of being pregnant because I had a distorted view that because it was rape, then
it was somehow less likely I’d become pregnant.
It wasn’t until I started having symptoms that I began to realize I
might be pregnant. I drove to a
different town by myself to buy a pregnancy test kit, doing the test in the gas
station bathroom so no one in my hometown would ever know. Before I took the test, I had kind of already
thought ahead of what I would do if it came back positive, and so, I had the
name of a pregnancy center with their phone number because I thought they were
an abortion clinic. I felt extremely
scared and angry there all alone in the gas station restroom. I was angry at God, asking “How could you
allow me to raped?” I was angry at
myself for putting myself in a position to allow this to happen.
From a pay phone, I called the
pregnancy center and they said I could come in right then, which I did. It was about an hour drive for me. I trusted no one at this point and chose not
to tell any friends or family. I felt like this would only confirm what people
were already saying about me "making up the rape." I went to the
crisis pregnancy center because I thought it was an abortion clinic, hoping to
get one that day.
They were so nice to me and told me
everything I already knew about the life inside me. I didn’t feel like I was judged by them at
all. They only had certain days of the week that they did ultrasounds, and I
would have had to return two days later to get one. Crying, I told them I was so scared and
couldn't handle facing people with the pregnancy, and that I was still going to
go to an abortion clinic when I left there.
The counselors told me that even if I did go through with an abortion,
that I was still welcome to come back there and talk to them about it. To this day, 17 years later, I still have a
relationship with one of those counselors.
Scared out of my mind of facing
ridicule, having to address the rumors the rapist was already spreading,
already overwhelmed from my reputation being slandered, I drove to an abortion
clinic that same day. It was the
opposite of the pregnancy center, which was warm and inviting, even though it
still had the feel of a medical office.
But the abortion clinic was cold and sterile. There were others in the waiting room, but no
one would look at each other or acknowledge each other’s presence in any
way. There was no privacy speaking to
the receptionist, telling her why I was there.
She they could see me, but I’d have to make an appointment to come back
to get the procedure done the next day.
I told her I couldn’t skip school another day, so she said they would
take me right away.
There was no waiting and no
questions. All they cared about was that I had the money to pay. They didn't
even care that I was by myself. It was the absolute worst experience of my life
-- even worse than the rape. I kept
telling myself that it was going to be okay, that I was raped, so this was
justified, and I would get through this.
I didn’t believe any of it, so I just kept saying it to myself over and
over again. I told God that it was all
his fault, and I was just so angry in the moment. But I knew that there was a baby inside of
me. I knew that life begins at conception,
but in my 17 year old mind, I just wasn’t making the connection.
The abortion clinic estimated I was
between 14 to 16 weeks pregnant, so they used ultrasound during the
procedure. The screen was turned so I
couldn’t see it. I don’t know if it
malfunctioned, or if the nurse made a mistake,
but I heard my baby’s heartbeat, and that was when the connection
finally happened. I told the doctor that
I wanted him to stop, but he said it was already too far along to stop. I was out of it because they’d given me a
Valium to relax. The nurses helped me to
get cleaned up and to get dressed. They
were rushing me because they needed the space.
I wasn’t ready to move or to go anywhere, but they didn’t care about
hurting me or that I was upset. They
didn’t offer to walk me out to my car, or even ask if anyone was there to drive
me.
I sat in my car in pain and crying
for 2 hours before I could even think about driving home. I really shouldn’t have been driving at all
that day. The problem had been taken
care of according to society, and I should have been relieved and ready to go
on about my life, but relief was the farthest thing from what I felt. I remember having a dialogue myself, like a
good vs. evil talk, first telling myself, “You did what you had to do. Did you really have any other choice? Most people would understand what you just
did.” But then I’d tell myself, “You
know that was a baby. How could you do
that? You’re a horrible person.” I thought, I must not really be a Christian.
For many years, I did anything I
could to numb my pain. I barely remember college because I drank all the time.
I also struggled with an eating disorder and honestly don't know how I
survived, but by the grace of God. I was
attending church this whole time, but part of me just felt dead and I still
really questioned, “How could God love me?
How could He ever forgive me for killing my baby?”
With lots of counseling, I stopped
drinking and I curtailed the eating disorder.
We focused on the rape for a certain period of time and worked through
that, which was helpful, but we hardly ever touched on the abortion. My therapist even told me, “You really did
what you need to do in that situation because you were raped.”
I met a Christian guy through
church, and we abstained from sex until our
wedding night. I felt like I’d have enough garbage in my life and I
wanted to do things right and honor God. But as time went on, I still suffered from
depression and struggled with the eating disorder.
I’d always felt that because of the
experience I had when I went to the pregnancy resource center, I knew that
later in my life, I wanted to be involved in this kind of ministry. We had just had Sanctity of Human Life Sunday
at my church, and I told my pastor that the nearest center was about an hour
away and that there’s a huge need for a center in our area. He felt God had given me a vision, and
encouraged me to start a local center.
So I got people together and we began to plan the opening of a pregnancy
resource center. During that process, I
heard of post-abortion ministry for the very first time by visiting other
centers and learning what services are offered.
I dove into reading about post-abortion syndrome, and I realized that
this was my big issue, and that’s why I’ve suffered so much. It just all clicked.
So a couple of years ago, I went
through a post abortion bible study, finally understanding and accepting God’s
forgiveness and grace. I’ve finally
overcome the eating disorder. I still
get depressed at times, but it’s manageable and no longer dictates my
life. I’ve now started a post-abortion
ministry through our local pregnancy resource center and I’m guiding other
women through the healing process.
I'm here to tell you that abortion
is never the answer. It will only cause
an already painful and difficult situation to be even more hurtful. During
my abortion procedure I was terrified. I kept asking questions about what was
about to happen and no one seemed to want to answer me. Looking back, I think
they wanted to hurry up before I had a chance to change my mind. For many years
after, I would have terrible anxiety and even panic attacks at times any time I
heard anything that remotely sounded like a heartbeat. For a long time I didn't
know that's what I was reacting to and it wasn't until many years later when my
husband and I were expecting our first child together that I connected the
anxiety to certain sounds.
I lived in my own private hell until
I went through the post abortion Bible study and found healing. The pain I felt
all those years literally felt like it would kill me at times. I was very
depressed. There were times I cut myself thinking that it would release some of
the pain I felt on the inside. There were many times I thought about ending my
life and a couple of times I came close to trying. I honestly thought my eating
disorder would eventually kill me and that actually became my intention with
those behaviors. I felt like I deserved to suffer and not live any resemblance
of a happy life because of what I did.
I want people to hear my story. As
hard as it is to tell, it it needs to be told. Something terrible happened to
me on that date that night. Then I was betrayed by the people closest to me.
All of that was extremely painful, but it doesn't come close to comparing to
the pain, the guilt, the shame, the remorse, or the self hatred I heaped and Satan
heaped upon me in the years following the abortion. I thought at the time that
I was justified in what I was doing because I didn't choose to be in that
situation -- I was pregnant by rape. I knew there was life inside me but I thought it wouldn't matter
because of how that life got there. I've never been more wrong about something.
Aborting a baby that's the result of a rape doesn't affect the woman any
differently than under any other circumstance. I've talked with many post-abortive women over the years through working with a local pregnancy center and
what I've learned is that we all share the same pain. It's absolutely no
different. The end result is still the same.
My prayer is that through me telling
my story, more rape victims will speak out about as well, so that we can put a
stop to rape being an excuse for keeping abortion legal. I love and grieve for
that baby's life, just like I would for either of my other children. I think
about every day how old she would be and what she would be like. I don't know
if I would have raised her or placed her for adoption, but it's terribly unfair
that she never got a chance at life. Even though her life was cut short as a result of the abortion, that
didn’t stop her life from having meaning and purpose, and through me telling our
story, I’m ensuring her life was not in vain and that she will be
remembered.
BIO:
Tammy is a wife, mother of 2, post-abortive ministry coordinator,
serving on the board of a pregnancy resource center, and is now a pro-life blogger for
Save The 1.
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5 comments:
Bless your heart. I too had an abortion. My Mom just said I had to. I carried a lot of guilt until that wonderful, Jesus voice spoke to me and said "you will see this spirit in a heavenly body". This of course is very comforting. I would tell all girls that are contemplating an abortion, not to do this.
Reading this is crazy. Im 5 weeks pregnant and thinking about it. Idk what to do honestly. I got pregnant by a guy ill have to deal with forever. Along with the judgement of my family. Not to mention i have a 3 year old already by someone else. Idk what to do
Then stick with the guy. Ask him if he will father the child and keep it. And if not, then ask for help from other people. Shame seems to be a big factor in your decision and other people do not need to live with the consequences of your actions. You do. So do not let shame rule your decision. Or said another way, do not let others decide for you. Keep the child, it sounds like you really want to. At any rate, seek out other people if you really need the help.
I also was raped at 17. I was a virgin and though I had a cousin who had molested me as a child for 3 years, I still had my virginity. But one day while living with a couple who were both teachers, the husband raped me. Then I found out I was pregnant. Boy was I mad. I was so angry with God over what happened, But one day God spoke to me and told me that the fetus in me was a baby, that it was a boy and that his name was Samuel. Yet I was talked into having an abortion which to this day I regret. I did get married later on, but had no children, so the regret is even more because of that awful decision so many years ago. I know I'm forgiven by both God and my son. And what helps so much is knowing that some day, I WILL see my son Samuel and finally hold him in my arms to be with him forever.
No matter what, please do NOT abort your child. You will regret your decision for the rest of your life, like I do. Please put your child up for adoption if you don't want the baby, but please don't abort. That child has a voice and needs to live. Please don't make my mistake. Call the Pregnancy Crisis Center. I believe they can direct you to the right people to help you to either keep and raise your child or put this child up for adoption. I'm 60 yrs old and that abortion is the worst decision I made in my life. Even the rape doesn't compare to the shame that my abortion put on me. After years of counselling I am much better, but that abortion still haunts even 43 years later. Please don't do it!
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