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Showing posts with label adoption. Show all posts
Showing posts with label adoption. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 31, 2017
It Was Because I Loved Him That I Had to Let Him Go, adoption poetry by Patricia Lawrence
It Was Because I Loved Him That I Had to Let Him Go
I went through the labor,
but never held him in my arms
as I gave him for adoption
so others saw his childhood charms.
But it has always been my prayer
that all these years he did know --
it was because I loved him
that I had to let him go.
He has a special mother
to care for him I’m sure,
and the love she has for him
is one that will endure.
Though I never held him
or saw his boyish smile,
I have always loved him
and hope to see him in a while,
in a while in Heaven,
just through the pearly gates,
when we are together
where our loving Savior waits.
-- Patricia Lawrence
Written prior to meeting my son
I Am His Birthmom, But She is His Mother
I am his birthmom,
but she is his mother.
I gave him birth,
but she gave him other.
She gave him a home,
a mom and a dad,
She gave him something that I never had.
I didn't have a husband
to give him a man
to pattern his life
for good and not bad.
She stepped in when I was
so hopelessly alone
and didn't have things to give,
as she gave him a home.
She gave of her time
and showed him grace,
as she held him close
And looked into his face.
She raised him right,
and at times it was hard,
with trials of her own,
and at times she was tired.
I have great respect for her
and honor her too
for doing the things
that I couldn't do.
May God bless her
all of her days,
and may He always give to her
the Mother's Day praise.
-Patricia Lawrence
This poem was written as my Mother's day thanks to the fine woman who adopted the son I could not keep.
BIO: Patricia Lawrence is a widow, mother of 3 daughters, birthmother to one son,
Friday, September 9, 2016
This Child Born From a Rape Turned Tragedy Into Something Beautiful, by Kathryne Taylor
On Dec. 22, 2008, I
was raped. Perhaps you can imagine how difficult it is to relive a rape, so I
will not go into the details. On the following day, I went to the doctor and
was given medicine for prevention of diseases and the morning after pill –
which I later learned is potentially an abortifacient. Six weeks later, I went to the doctor and
underwent blood testing, but I was not given a standard pregnancy test. However, a couple of days later, their
doctor’s office called to tell me I was pregnant!
BIO: Kathryne Taylor, a birthmother from rape, resides in Little Rock, Arkansas, and is a Save The 1.
blogger for
I was scared as hell,
and perplexed. See, I always tried and
wanted to get pregnant over the years by the guys I loved, but never
could. I thought I was infertile, so of
course, I was shocked and surprised.
Immediately, I
thought about an abortion when told I was six weeks along, but given the price
which I could not afford, I was crushed! Then I contemplated self-aborting and
the thought made me sick, so I decided on adoption. But I still had regrets of
carrying a baby conceived from the rape.
I called and met
with an adoption agency. They wanted me to sign papers right away, and they
also asked me about getting screened for Down Syndrome because I was
older. Whether the baby had Down
Syndrome made no difference to me, so this really troubled me and left me
uncomfortable with the agency.
I spoke to a
Facebook friend Ralph (God bless him) and he mentioned he had a sister near me
who could speak at her church about my situation. A few hours later, I received two phone calls
-- one of them was Karen, who is a blessing and an angel sent from above. She
told me she would be willing to either help me raise the child or she would
adopt the baby. I was stunned to hear
that she truly cared about me, whether or not she ultimately adopted the baby. I met up with her later that week. She bought me my favorite doughnuts (which I
never told her they were,) and we spoke at length.
Karen told me she
had two little boys who were adopted. We quickly bonded and she told me that
she loved me, and I could see how genuine she was!
Well, our first
doctor’s appointment was very emotional. She explained to the doctor my situation. Also,
my deepest regret is that I was abusing drugs. We found out I was 6-8 weeks
pregnant. We did the ultrasound and
heard the baby's heartbeat. When she
first heard the baby's heartbeat, I knew this was right and I loved her. I swore and promised Karen I would not do
drugs during this journey.
During my pregnancy,
we did everything together. I was carrying her baby and I was, as we jokingly
said, "The Incubator." I know that a lot of people would be offended
to read such a thing, but I just want to give you an idea of how well we bonded
-- that we were able to actually joke around like that. As we went through the journey, I saw the
baby grow inside her heart, as I was just caring a baby that God meant to be
given a chance at life.
We learned the sex
of the baby -- he was a boy! Karen was
so loving and still is a caring person who had seven children and had more love
to give to more babies. Thankfully, I was just carrying one. But she drove
nearly three hours each week to go through the precious journey with me. I saw the sonograms at check-ups, and I was
amazed.
See, if you are
given or blessed with a baby conceived by a rape, you can turn a tragedy into
something wonderful. Karen is such a beautiful woman with a loving soul and I
am so very lucky to have met and chose her. She even helped me with getting out
of my bad apartment and found me a new one with donations of furniture. She
understood I struggled with mental illness, so we took all precautions and
went to counseling. I was very happy that I met someone who loved me and the
baby unconditionally.
We learned that the
baby was due around September, 2009. I dropped my old friends as she blessed me
by introducing me to her family and friends, and God. It was a hard journey
that turned into something very precious. My ob/gyn was understanding while I battled
very bad morning sickness. Oh, and I forgot to mention I had Hepatitis C from a
previous rape, so this was a delicate matter.
We agreed on a C-section.
While I saw my doctor one day, he told us he wanted to induce labor. When we
got to the hospital, we were then told I was progressing rapidly and that I was
going to have a natural childbirth! Say whaaat? So as I was going through
contractions, I knew that we were going through this together. Late on
September 11, 2009 the baby was born as Karen and Bobby (her husband) went
through a very memorable birth.
Once I delivered, Bobby
went off with the baby but Karen stood by me until she was confident I was
okay. And then she finally met her son. I never saw him, but she was so very happy
and moved. He is a very loved and happy
little one!
Karen is still and
will always be a part of my life. But I learned that this child born from a
rape turned tragedy into something beautiful. I do not have nightmares about
the rape. I gave Karen and her family an eternal and precious gift! That was
the experience. I am very happy that he was not aborted. God made it this way.
It was all of us -- our journey. What I lost, I gave something special. Turning
a tragedy into a precious gift -- it was a beautiful journey. And I will always carry him in my heart. I
made Karen and her family into something more than special. It was a blessing.
If you have been
raped and find that you are pregnant, you too can turn something so horrible
into something incredible and special.
.BIO: Kathryne Taylor, a birthmother from rape, resides in Little Rock, Arkansas, and is a Save The 1.
Thursday, February 18, 2016
I'd Endure The Rape Again To Hold My Child Alive, by Kaitlin Westbrook
At the age of 19, I was a very happy, vibrant young
woman, excited about what the future had in store for me. I was a freshman attending college in San
Antonio, excited about meeting new
people and swimming on the university’s swim team. However, I had no idea that my freshman year
was going to be the worst year of my life.
October 8th is a day I will never forget. Someone who I thought was a really good friend at the time,
came to visit me at college, with plans to hang out and go to dinner. What was supposed to be a pleasant
evening turned into a nightmare. On this
particular day, all of my friends who lived on the same dorm floor as
me left to go to the college soccer game, including my RA – Resident Assistant.
When everybody left, it was just me and
my friend.
As he locked the door to my room and turned on the music loudly,
I knew something was seriously wrong. At
6:15 pm, the man I thought I knew so well as a friend, revealed himself to be a
monster. He brutally raped me in my dorm
room, punching me in the head, throwing me into the bed post, choking
me, and ultimately raping me with a knife pointed at my ribs. I screamed and screamed, but no one came, and
he knew no one would be around.
He told me I was worthless, and threatened to kill me if I
told anyone about his actions. He also
told me he would rape other women and I wouldn’t be able to stop him, then
saying these rapes would be my fault. On top of that, he told me that if I got
pregnant, he would come and cut the baby out of me. Terrified, I didn’t report the
crime. I believed his threats and I was afraid he would come back and kill me,
because I’d already heard that there’s very little justice for rape victims, and I felt hopeless.
Just a few weeks later, on
October 27th, I found out I was pregnant from
the rape, and of course, I didn’t want anyone to know, for fear that the rapist
would find out, then come after me to kill the baby, just as he’d threatened to
do.
When I went to the doctor, I told him what had happened and the
first words out of his mouth were, “It’s still early in the pregnancy, so you
still have options.” Options?!!!
Having been adopted myself, I told the doctor I wanted to have
the baby and place the baby for adoption. I felt a very close connection with my
birthmom, being the same exact age she was when she had me, and I wanted my
child to have a family like I had. The
doctor didn’t even let me finish talking and said, “Who is going to want a
rapist’s child? The child will always
remind you of what you have been through. It’s still early enough to get an abortion.” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing! This is my child – a child of God. Despite his
horrible attempts at fear-mongering, I stormed out of the doctor’s office and
didn’t look back.
The way the doctor reacted threw me into years and years of
silence. I thought, “What would people
think if I told them I was raped and was going to give birth to this child? Would they blame me for what happened? Would
they call my baby a ‘demon child’?” I
thought that the only way to protect myself and my child was to not talk about
it and pretend it didn't happen. In fact, I never even disclosed the rape to the prospective adoptive parents, until
just last year, out of fear that what the doctor said would be true – that they’d
change their mind about wanting the baby.
I was very excited about this new life. I knew I could turn this terrible situation
into a positive one by giving my baby up for adoption. I had already decided to ask one of my
friend’s mom if she would be willing to adopt my baby because I was aware that
she recently suffered a miscarriage. Sure enough, this couple did want to
adopt my baby!
I felt so blessed that God would give me this sweet angel
growing inside of me to help me heal. I have always considered my child
to be my beauty from pain. Even though
what happened was horrible, a sweet little baby was conceived.
About a month after learning I was pregnant, I suddenly began
experiencing sharp pains and bleeding. Fear
came over me that I might lose this baby – my light in the darkness. One of my friends rushed me to Urgent Care,
and they informed me that I was in the process of miscarrying. This news was devastating and I was completely
heart broken.
After that, I became more depressed and more distant from my
friends. I didn’t tell any of my friends about my pregnancy
or the miscarriage until two or three years later. Thoughts of hurting myself to end the pain
engulfed me. I even called the rapist
to scream at him, telling him that I’d become pregnant from the rape, and that
the miscarriage was his fault. But all he did was blame me more, telling me I
miscarried because I would be a bad mom.
I felt empowered by having called him, because my voice was heard.
A week later, God saved me yet again. He sent me a message in a dream. In my dream, the Virgin Mary came down from Heaven
holding a red-haired, blue-eyed baby boy. Mary said, “Katie, your child, Michael Jude is
safe and loved. He is in the hands of
God. He loves you dearly and so does
God. Please know that your child is
always watching over you, now and forever.” The dream gave me so much
hope and I truly believe that my child has been with me this whole time. Michael has been with me through my panic
attacks, flashbacks, nightmares, and constant emotional abuse from my
rapist who stalked me for years.
I have PTSD and depression -- not just from the rape, but from
the miscarriage. I experienced two
traumas that mashed together. I
constantly have nightmares and panic attacks because of both traumas.
Being adopted myself, I take abortion very seriously. After going through this, I feel a very close
connection to my birthmother. She could
have aborted me, but instead she gave me the most beautiful gift -- my life! I understand what it’s like to lose a child
whether it’s through adoption or miscarriage.
I hate when people make the rape exception. Women are stronger and more resilient than
society gives us credit -- we don’t need to kill our children to be emotionally
healthy. Just because I was raped
doesn’t mean I can perpetrate violence upon another and take away a life. My
child is a blessing and I honor him every day by speaking up and telling women
abortion is not okay.
Honestly, if I had had an abortion, my healing process would
have been very slow and even more difficult. Not only would I be having nightmares about
the rape, but I would also be dealing with the guilt of the abortion. To
help you understand even more – I want you to know that I would endure the
rape all over again if I could hold my child alive and see that sweet
face.
Even still, Michael Jude has bought me such healing. Last year was the first time I spoke up
about the rape, pregnancy and miscarriage seven years ago. I reported the crime to the police last year, and I
believe all of that was possible to do because of God and my sweet Michael.
On October 8, 2008 – the day I was raped, God stayed with me in
that room and told me to hold on. He
calmed me down and helped me survive. He saved my life on that horrid day and
gave me a beautiful gift -- my beloved son.
I have decided that every year on October 27th – the date
my baby left this Earth, I will send a balloon into heaven with a note to
Michael Jude. It warms my heart to know
God is watching over my precious angel! I
know I have a long journey towards healing, but as long as I have
God’s love and my child watching over me, I can do anything!
I began to discuss the loss of my child with my therapist, and
my desire to somehow connect with other women who had conceived out of
rape. My therapist turned to her
computer, searched the term, “conceived
in rape,” and Rebecca Kiessling’s story popped up, with a link to Save the 1. I watched the short Save The 1 promo video and
was amazed to see all of these beautiful people who were conceived in this way,
as well as the mothers like me, who became pregnant by rape and love their
children. I knew that this was a means
for me to honor my son, by advocating for my son’s right to life, and others
like him. I’m grateful for what Save The
1 stands for and does for women who have experienced this trauma.
And now I’m bearing witness to the truth -- a child conceived in rape is the
mother’s beauty from her pain.
I love you Michael Jude. I hope you know how much I value your life. I
honor you!
BIO: Kaitlin Westbrook is a swim coach, certified
teacher, pro-life blogger for Save The 1, residing in Texas. She is available for speaking.
Read her poem she wrote to her son: By Your Side
Wednesday, March 18, 2015
10 Things I Need to Tell You Before You Choose by Elizabeth Reed
To my best friend,
We’ve been friends for years -- through breakups, through laughter, through tears, through margarita Tuesdays and hangover Wednesdays. We’ve laughed so hard at inside jokes that we’ve both been laying on the kitchen floor and getting weird looks from the rest of our friends.
About a week ago, I took you to lunch. I brought two pregnancy tests with me because you were "late." Despite the severity of the situation, we were standing in the bathroom -- of a Chic Fil A, no less -- the irony of this does not escape me! We were laughing to each other, joking about something from work, waiting for the results to appear. I reached for the tests, flipped them over to read the results, and saw the glaring plus sign. I looked up to meet your eyes, and saw your fear. The words “you’re pregnant” fell out of my mouth, and I saw their impact as they hit you right in the gut. I almost wanted to throw my body in front of the words, as if they were a bullet, and absorb their impact for you.
That was about a week ago. For the past week, I am the only one who has known your secret. I’m the only one you’ve talked to about it. I’ve held you while you wept. I’ve gone with you to a doctor to confirm that you are, in fact, pregnant. We have discussed all of your options thoroughly. I know all of your fears intimately, and I know exactly what you have ahead of you.
It seems that you’ve made up your mind to "terminate" your pregnancy. When you told me of your decision, I remained solid, wanting to be supportive and loving. I wanted you to feel unjudged. You told me you thought an abortion would be the best choice for you. I hugged you and told you that everything would be fine, and that we would get through this together.
But I want to tell you some things -- things that are bursting within me, things that I NEED to tell you before you go through with having an abortion, things that you need to know before you make this decision, things which I don’t need to say just because I am pro-life, but because I am your best friend, and I can’t let you make this decision without you knowing these things. So, before you go this Saturday to have your abortion, please know:
1.) You are strong.
I know that you have rebuilt your entire life more than once from total ruin. You have walked through fire and have come out stronger and better than before. I envy your courage and your stamina. I envy that you can laugh through things that you struggle with. Your smile is beautiful because of the things you have been through. Your eyes shine with courage and experience beyond your years. You are one of the strongest women I know, and I know, without a doubt, that you ARE strong enough to go through an unplanned pregnancy. The most anti-feminist thing I’ve ever heard is that a woman is not strong enough to go through a pregnancy which she didn't plan.
2.) I will be here for you.
No matter what it takes, I will support you, I will hold your hair when morning sickness comes; I will help you find pickles and ice cream at 4 am; I will help you consider whether you’d like to parent or place your child for adoption; I will throw you a baby shower; I will help you plan for the baby; I will help you pick out names; I will help you pick maternity clothes that don’t make you feel fat; I will make virgin margaritas and bring them over every Tuesday; I will show you pregnant tricks like tying a hair tie around the button of your too-small jeans so that you can still wear them because you’re not ready for maternity pants yet; I will hold you when pregnancy hormones make you weepy, laugh with you when they make you goofy, and share in your irrational outrage when the hormones make you a little loopy; I will help you choose a doctor you like; I will listen to your fears and celebrate your successes. “Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God.” Ruth 1:16 I will not leave your side through this entire process, nor will I leave after. My friendship and love for you are here to stay.
3.) You don’t have to choose yet.
I know you feel that you’re not ready for the responsibility of a baby, and I understand your fears. Let’s just take this one day at a time. Once you decide that abortion is not for you, you have plenty of time to decide if adoption or parenting is the best choice. You don’t have to make this decision yet. But when you are ready for it, I will be here to help you process whether to parent or to place for adoption, like I did with my first child. And I will help you reach out to an adoption agency and choose a family; or I will help you prepare a nursery and stockpile diapers and take Lamaze classes. The best way to handle a crisis pregnancy is to remove the crisis, not the child. I know you feel a sense of urgency to make a decision, but stop for a moment, take a deep breath, and let’s just move one step at a time.
4.) You are important.
I hear often from our pro-choice counterparts that pro-lifers only care about the baby, and that we don’t care about the mother at all. That couldn’t be further from the truth. You matter. You are important. God has plans for YOU. He has had you in the palm of His hand from before your birth. He knew every breath you would take before you took your first. He is jealous for you. He loves you more than any love you’ve ever known. He is not like men you have known. He cannot disappoint you or lie to you. He IS who He says He is, and He does what He says He will do. He died a horrific death on the cross so that you could spend eternity with Him. Life has not been a walk in the park for you to this point, I know that well. But I know that life doesn’t have to be that way. Life doesn’t have to be about hate and anger. It doesn’t have to be about bitterness or revenge. It can be about love. It can be about new beginnings. It can be about freedom. There is freedom at the foot of the cross, hope resides at the opening of the empty grave. There is grace. Do not ever believe you don’t matter. There is nothing you could possibly do, no sin big enough, to separate you from the great love God has for you. He knit you together in your mother’s womb, He has called you by name and you are one of His children! How precious you are to Him is beyond measure. “…but God shows His great love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:8
5.) Your baby already has a heartbeat.
Before you even knew you were pregnant, the baby growing in your womb had a heartbeat -- heartbeat which will probably be the most beautiful thing you’ve ever heard should you have an ultrasound. Your baby also has measurable brainwaves, little arms and legs, little fingers, and even eyes and eyelids. Not only does your baby have a heartbeat, but he or she has a purpose. You may not have planned this baby, but God did. And He has enormous plans for him or her. The same love I just told you that God has for you, God has for the child growing in your womb. He is knitting this child, YOUR child, together with His hands. Do you know how painstakingly dull it is to knit?? How detail-oriented and love-filled that task is? He lovingly and patiently takes the time to build our frame in the secret place and breathes His breath of life into our nostrils. Life is such a gift! You may not see it now, but you are blessed among women to be given the gift of life stirring in your womb. I cannot put into words the wonder and joy that will fill you when you feel the first flutters of life in your abdomen or the awe that will overcome you when you look upon the face of your baby for the first time. “For I know the plans I have for you” declares the Lord, “Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11
6.) Abortion isn’t safe.
Please remember that this is by law your choice and that, no matter what, I will love you, support you, and be your friend; but also remember that abortion is not safe. Women who have had surgical abortions have died, been rendered infertile, have had perforated uteruses, and suffered serious and debilitating depressions afterwards. Women who have had medication abortions have suffered serious side effects as well. As many as 491 women have died since the "abortion pill" became an option -- probably more still that have been unreported. But hardly anyone talks about it. It’s not on the news, it’s not bragged about so that women like you and I can easily find it. The abortion industry doesn’t care about you as a person in the least. They claim to be champions for women and I’m calling "B.S.!" They want your money and your silence. I have talked to many women who regret their abortions, but I have never once spoken to a woman who says she regrets choosing life for her child.
7.) Adoption is loving and selfless.
Some of the arguments against adoption I’ve heard are absolutely preposterous, such as: “You made your bed, now you should lay in it" -- as if a child is a punishment for sex. Children are not punishments. You are not being punished for a careless mistake. God is not a mean bully with a magnifying glass, sitting atop an ant hill. This child is beauty from the ashes of the way your life has been up until now. There are 1.5 million couples in American waiting, right now, to adopt a child. Now, I am not pushing adoption on you in any way, shape, or form, but please do not discount it and think that you *have* to choose to parent if you choose life for your baby. If you don’t believe you are ready for a child, and feel strongly that someone else could provide a better life for your child, then please consider adoption. It is such a selfless, loving choice which you won't regret. And if anyone ever tries to tell you otherwise, I will show them to the door and present them with a pretty gift bag which will consist of strong words and a complimentary black eye!
8.) This is not the end of your life.
I know, from experience, that this is scary. I know just from seeing your face when I told you what the tests said that you are terrified to your very toes. You carry the knowledge of your pregnancy like a heavy burden and you cannot stand up straight under the enormous weight of it. You’ve probably prayed a few times for a miscarriage. And you’ve probably felt guilty for praying such a terrible thing. Darling, you are not alone. I was in a crisis pregnancy once, and I’ll tell you a secret: I prayed the same thing. You are not alone. This is scary, it is overwhelming. But, this will not break you. This is not going to last forever. This is not the end of your life. Look at all that you have overcome. Look at the frightening hurdles you have jumped over with ease. Looking ahead at them, you were terrified and thought maybe you wouldn’t make it, but looking back you see it wasn’t as hard as you imagined, and you overcame. This is will be the same. No matter what you choose, you will look back on this unplanned pregnancy as something you handled, overcame, and that has refined you into the woman you will become. Do not throw in the towel. Do not give up. You can do this.
9.) You are not alone.
One of your biggest fears is going through this pregnancy, and raising this child, alone and without any financial/emotional help at all. That is one of every woman’s biggest fears, unplanned pregnancy or not. But you will not be alone. There are government programs to help you with the costs associated with giving birth and prenatal care. There are programs, churches, pregnancy resource centers, women’s groups, etc. which all are made for women in your situation. I have tons of pro-life friends who have children, and would love to give you their gently-used items. They want to help you. They want to support you during your pregnancy, and after the child is born. During your pregnancy, they provide free or very affordable maternity clothing, free classes on maternity and parenting. Should you choose to parent, they will help you get all of the items that you need for rock bottom prices or even for free in some cases; and should you choose to place your child for adoption, they will help you through this process and offer emotional support groups and free counseling to help you sort through your emotions afterwards. Not only are all of these programs and people there to help you, but I am here to help you find them and navigate through them. This process doesn’t need to seem so looming and scary.
10.) Your baby needs you.
God is into details. Nothing He does is by accident or coincidence. He gave you this baby for a reason. We can’t see that reason on this side yet, but we will. Your baby has only one line of defense from the world, and it’s you. You alone are the defender, protector, nurturer, and home of this baby. Whether you choose to parent or place this child for adoption, your baby is counting on you. Your childhood was not easy, as your friend I know this secret of yours. But now is your chance. Now is your time to break the cycle. You have a choice to give your child things you never had. You have a choice, right this very minute, to choose to love, to choose to live in victory, to break the chains of generational sin, and to become instead of just be. You ARE strong and courageous. You are called to a purpose. You are not called to have a spirit of fear. Your baby is at the most defenseless and vulnerable point possible right now. You are the only thing standing between your baby and a violent death. I beg you, with everything within me, please reconsider. I cannot make this choice for you, it is yours alone to make. While I can't support a decision to abort, I will love you and support YOU no matter what you decide, no if’s, and’s, or but’s about it. I have been in your shoes more than once, and at no point will I ever judge you for anything you feel because I have felt the same things. I am confident that you can choose life. I am confident that you are strong enough to handle the road ahead. And I am confident that God will reveal a great purpose in this trial if you put your faith and trust in Him and choose life. In Philippians 1:6, the Word tells us that ‘He who began a good work in you will see it through to completion’. Your baby, and this pregnancy, are a good work. And God will help you navigate this road. You can trust Him. You can trust me. You can choose life. You can choose Love.
Your friend who loves you and your baby.
By Elizabeth Reed, Executive Director of Georgia Businesses for Life. and pro-life speaker and blogger for Save The 1, sharing her story of being a birthmother out of rape.
We’ve been friends for years -- through breakups, through laughter, through tears, through margarita Tuesdays and hangover Wednesdays. We’ve laughed so hard at inside jokes that we’ve both been laying on the kitchen floor and getting weird looks from the rest of our friends.
About a week ago, I took you to lunch. I brought two pregnancy tests with me because you were "late." Despite the severity of the situation, we were standing in the bathroom -- of a Chic Fil A, no less -- the irony of this does not escape me! We were laughing to each other, joking about something from work, waiting for the results to appear. I reached for the tests, flipped them over to read the results, and saw the glaring plus sign. I looked up to meet your eyes, and saw your fear. The words “you’re pregnant” fell out of my mouth, and I saw their impact as they hit you right in the gut. I almost wanted to throw my body in front of the words, as if they were a bullet, and absorb their impact for you.
That was about a week ago. For the past week, I am the only one who has known your secret. I’m the only one you’ve talked to about it. I’ve held you while you wept. I’ve gone with you to a doctor to confirm that you are, in fact, pregnant. We have discussed all of your options thoroughly. I know all of your fears intimately, and I know exactly what you have ahead of you.
It seems that you’ve made up your mind to "terminate" your pregnancy. When you told me of your decision, I remained solid, wanting to be supportive and loving. I wanted you to feel unjudged. You told me you thought an abortion would be the best choice for you. I hugged you and told you that everything would be fine, and that we would get through this together.
But I want to tell you some things -- things that are bursting within me, things that I NEED to tell you before you go through with having an abortion, things that you need to know before you make this decision, things which I don’t need to say just because I am pro-life, but because I am your best friend, and I can’t let you make this decision without you knowing these things. So, before you go this Saturday to have your abortion, please know:
1.) You are strong.
I know that you have rebuilt your entire life more than once from total ruin. You have walked through fire and have come out stronger and better than before. I envy your courage and your stamina. I envy that you can laugh through things that you struggle with. Your smile is beautiful because of the things you have been through. Your eyes shine with courage and experience beyond your years. You are one of the strongest women I know, and I know, without a doubt, that you ARE strong enough to go through an unplanned pregnancy. The most anti-feminist thing I’ve ever heard is that a woman is not strong enough to go through a pregnancy which she didn't plan.
2.) I will be here for you.
No matter what it takes, I will support you, I will hold your hair when morning sickness comes; I will help you find pickles and ice cream at 4 am; I will help you consider whether you’d like to parent or place your child for adoption; I will throw you a baby shower; I will help you plan for the baby; I will help you pick out names; I will help you pick maternity clothes that don’t make you feel fat; I will make virgin margaritas and bring them over every Tuesday; I will show you pregnant tricks like tying a hair tie around the button of your too-small jeans so that you can still wear them because you’re not ready for maternity pants yet; I will hold you when pregnancy hormones make you weepy, laugh with you when they make you goofy, and share in your irrational outrage when the hormones make you a little loopy; I will help you choose a doctor you like; I will listen to your fears and celebrate your successes. “Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God.” Ruth 1:16 I will not leave your side through this entire process, nor will I leave after. My friendship and love for you are here to stay.
3.) You don’t have to choose yet.
I know you feel that you’re not ready for the responsibility of a baby, and I understand your fears. Let’s just take this one day at a time. Once you decide that abortion is not for you, you have plenty of time to decide if adoption or parenting is the best choice. You don’t have to make this decision yet. But when you are ready for it, I will be here to help you process whether to parent or to place for adoption, like I did with my first child. And I will help you reach out to an adoption agency and choose a family; or I will help you prepare a nursery and stockpile diapers and take Lamaze classes. The best way to handle a crisis pregnancy is to remove the crisis, not the child. I know you feel a sense of urgency to make a decision, but stop for a moment, take a deep breath, and let’s just move one step at a time.
4.) You are important.
I hear often from our pro-choice counterparts that pro-lifers only care about the baby, and that we don’t care about the mother at all. That couldn’t be further from the truth. You matter. You are important. God has plans for YOU. He has had you in the palm of His hand from before your birth. He knew every breath you would take before you took your first. He is jealous for you. He loves you more than any love you’ve ever known. He is not like men you have known. He cannot disappoint you or lie to you. He IS who He says He is, and He does what He says He will do. He died a horrific death on the cross so that you could spend eternity with Him. Life has not been a walk in the park for you to this point, I know that well. But I know that life doesn’t have to be that way. Life doesn’t have to be about hate and anger. It doesn’t have to be about bitterness or revenge. It can be about love. It can be about new beginnings. It can be about freedom. There is freedom at the foot of the cross, hope resides at the opening of the empty grave. There is grace. Do not ever believe you don’t matter. There is nothing you could possibly do, no sin big enough, to separate you from the great love God has for you. He knit you together in your mother’s womb, He has called you by name and you are one of His children! How precious you are to Him is beyond measure. “…but God shows His great love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:8
5.) Your baby already has a heartbeat.
Before you even knew you were pregnant, the baby growing in your womb had a heartbeat -- heartbeat which will probably be the most beautiful thing you’ve ever heard should you have an ultrasound. Your baby also has measurable brainwaves, little arms and legs, little fingers, and even eyes and eyelids. Not only does your baby have a heartbeat, but he or she has a purpose. You may not have planned this baby, but God did. And He has enormous plans for him or her. The same love I just told you that God has for you, God has for the child growing in your womb. He is knitting this child, YOUR child, together with His hands. Do you know how painstakingly dull it is to knit?? How detail-oriented and love-filled that task is? He lovingly and patiently takes the time to build our frame in the secret place and breathes His breath of life into our nostrils. Life is such a gift! You may not see it now, but you are blessed among women to be given the gift of life stirring in your womb. I cannot put into words the wonder and joy that will fill you when you feel the first flutters of life in your abdomen or the awe that will overcome you when you look upon the face of your baby for the first time. “For I know the plans I have for you” declares the Lord, “Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11
6.) Abortion isn’t safe.
Please remember that this is by law your choice and that, no matter what, I will love you, support you, and be your friend; but also remember that abortion is not safe. Women who have had surgical abortions have died, been rendered infertile, have had perforated uteruses, and suffered serious and debilitating depressions afterwards. Women who have had medication abortions have suffered serious side effects as well. As many as 491 women have died since the "abortion pill" became an option -- probably more still that have been unreported. But hardly anyone talks about it. It’s not on the news, it’s not bragged about so that women like you and I can easily find it. The abortion industry doesn’t care about you as a person in the least. They claim to be champions for women and I’m calling "B.S.!" They want your money and your silence. I have talked to many women who regret their abortions, but I have never once spoken to a woman who says she regrets choosing life for her child.
7.) Adoption is loving and selfless.
Some of the arguments against adoption I’ve heard are absolutely preposterous, such as: “You made your bed, now you should lay in it" -- as if a child is a punishment for sex. Children are not punishments. You are not being punished for a careless mistake. God is not a mean bully with a magnifying glass, sitting atop an ant hill. This child is beauty from the ashes of the way your life has been up until now. There are 1.5 million couples in American waiting, right now, to adopt a child. Now, I am not pushing adoption on you in any way, shape, or form, but please do not discount it and think that you *have* to choose to parent if you choose life for your baby. If you don’t believe you are ready for a child, and feel strongly that someone else could provide a better life for your child, then please consider adoption. It is such a selfless, loving choice which you won't regret. And if anyone ever tries to tell you otherwise, I will show them to the door and present them with a pretty gift bag which will consist of strong words and a complimentary black eye!
8.) This is not the end of your life.
I know, from experience, that this is scary. I know just from seeing your face when I told you what the tests said that you are terrified to your very toes. You carry the knowledge of your pregnancy like a heavy burden and you cannot stand up straight under the enormous weight of it. You’ve probably prayed a few times for a miscarriage. And you’ve probably felt guilty for praying such a terrible thing. Darling, you are not alone. I was in a crisis pregnancy once, and I’ll tell you a secret: I prayed the same thing. You are not alone. This is scary, it is overwhelming. But, this will not break you. This is not going to last forever. This is not the end of your life. Look at all that you have overcome. Look at the frightening hurdles you have jumped over with ease. Looking ahead at them, you were terrified and thought maybe you wouldn’t make it, but looking back you see it wasn’t as hard as you imagined, and you overcame. This is will be the same. No matter what you choose, you will look back on this unplanned pregnancy as something you handled, overcame, and that has refined you into the woman you will become. Do not throw in the towel. Do not give up. You can do this.
9.) You are not alone.
One of your biggest fears is going through this pregnancy, and raising this child, alone and without any financial/emotional help at all. That is one of every woman’s biggest fears, unplanned pregnancy or not. But you will not be alone. There are government programs to help you with the costs associated with giving birth and prenatal care. There are programs, churches, pregnancy resource centers, women’s groups, etc. which all are made for women in your situation. I have tons of pro-life friends who have children, and would love to give you their gently-used items. They want to help you. They want to support you during your pregnancy, and after the child is born. During your pregnancy, they provide free or very affordable maternity clothing, free classes on maternity and parenting. Should you choose to parent, they will help you get all of the items that you need for rock bottom prices or even for free in some cases; and should you choose to place your child for adoption, they will help you through this process and offer emotional support groups and free counseling to help you sort through your emotions afterwards. Not only are all of these programs and people there to help you, but I am here to help you find them and navigate through them. This process doesn’t need to seem so looming and scary.
10.) Your baby needs you.
God is into details. Nothing He does is by accident or coincidence. He gave you this baby for a reason. We can’t see that reason on this side yet, but we will. Your baby has only one line of defense from the world, and it’s you. You alone are the defender, protector, nurturer, and home of this baby. Whether you choose to parent or place this child for adoption, your baby is counting on you. Your childhood was not easy, as your friend I know this secret of yours. But now is your chance. Now is your time to break the cycle. You have a choice to give your child things you never had. You have a choice, right this very minute, to choose to love, to choose to live in victory, to break the chains of generational sin, and to become instead of just be. You ARE strong and courageous. You are called to a purpose. You are not called to have a spirit of fear. Your baby is at the most defenseless and vulnerable point possible right now. You are the only thing standing between your baby and a violent death. I beg you, with everything within me, please reconsider. I cannot make this choice for you, it is yours alone to make. While I can't support a decision to abort, I will love you and support YOU no matter what you decide, no if’s, and’s, or but’s about it. I have been in your shoes more than once, and at no point will I ever judge you for anything you feel because I have felt the same things. I am confident that you can choose life. I am confident that you are strong enough to handle the road ahead. And I am confident that God will reveal a great purpose in this trial if you put your faith and trust in Him and choose life. In Philippians 1:6, the Word tells us that ‘He who began a good work in you will see it through to completion’. Your baby, and this pregnancy, are a good work. And God will help you navigate this road. You can trust Him. You can trust me. You can choose life. You can choose Love.
Sincerely,“I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing. Therefore choose LIFE, that both you and your children may live…” Deuteronomy 30:19
Your friend who loves you and your baby.
By Elizabeth Reed, Executive Director of Georgia Businesses for Life. and pro-life speaker and blogger for Save The 1, sharing her story of being a birthmother out of rape.
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