Pregnant by Rape, I Threw the Abortion Pills to the Floor, by Genesis James

I love storms -- seeing the dark clouds, watching the storms roll in, and dancing in the rain.   I love to see the lightning and hear the thunder roar, shaking the Earth.  But this was a storm that I had no opportunity to anticipate. . . .

About four years ago, I was studying Christian Leadership to be a chaplain at Barclay College and about ready to get married.   I was on my way to work to give a therapeutic massage.  Little did I know it was going to change my life forever.  During that appointment, I was raped by my client.

I initially stayed silent about it because I was convinced no one would believe me.  Also, I had so much going for me at the time and I thought if I told anyone, it would instantly jeopardize all of my future.  So, I decided to just keep my mouth shut and pretend that it did not happen.

Exactly ten days later, I found out I was pregnant.  As if living with the rape was not hard enough for me, how in the world could I deal with this?   I already had three girls and I was sure I could never be able to handle four -- especially on my own, since I was certain my boyfriend would leave me.

I am a girl who has always been so strongly outspoken against abortion.  There was never ever a reason to have one in my mind, but boy does your mind change when you are faced with this.

I had a handful of pills in my hand which someone told me would naturally abort the baby.   I had them inches from my mouth when I threw them on the floor.  What if I took these pills and instead of aborting my baby. it would cause her to have a birth defect and I would end up causing her severe problems in her life?  This thought caused me to realize I could not cause harm to my baby in any way.  In tears, I decided not to abort her.  Little did I know, that was the start of the hardest and yet most beautiful journey I would ever take.

Finally I was able talk to David, my boyfriend, on December 10th and told him what had happened.  But I was afraid he'd make me quit my job, so I told him I was raped at a club I went to a week prior. Even thinking of it that way made it somehow easier in my mind -- if he were drunk and making a poor decision while intoxicated, I could at least wrap my head around that as opposed to the premeditated evil.  I was so afraid that if I told people the truth that I was raped while working, then I would lose what I felt God gave me as a means of income.

David was very angry and upset.  He told me he needed some time to figure out what he wanted to do.  Two days later, he told me that he loved me and he loved my daughters, and he was going to be there and support me through this.

Nevertheless, many days I felt very suicidal.   It took everything I had not to drive the car off the bridge.  And the tears came often.  I knew I needed to get help, so I started going to a counselor at my church, which helped me a little bit.  But it felt like she did not understand the pain I was going through.  I never felt free to open up and share with her all my dark corners that I had.

At that point, I could hardly work at my job anymore without totally breaking down in tears and shaking.  I found a group on Facebook with members who told me about Anchor Point which specializes in helping pregnant women, and how they might be the exact thing I needed.  Their website said that they are "champions for the future of child by educating and empowering parents because no one is beyond hope," and I needed hope!

I called them up and made an appointment.  I was told that there was a lady who used to volunteer with them and worked with women who had gone through similar situations.  However, they said she was in a transition at the time, so they were unsure if she would come back and see me.  I left and prayed hard about this because I was desperate for any ray of sunshine at the moment.   Then God gave me Angel, who has lived up to her name for sure.

For once, I felt like I was heard.   I held onto so much pain from past abuses that when I went through this rape, I never felt I was worthy of help because “who really cared?”  I and everyone else beat me up all the time with the whys and why nots so much so that I felt like I was crazy.

But not Angel.  She heard me as she listened to the pains and hurts I endured as I was growing up.  She wanted to uncover all of that.  I for once felt safe enough to tell someone my whole entire story of my life -- even the really dark areas which I felt would result in no one ever accepting me if I told them.  She never condemned me and she never told me I was crazy, which are the things I was telling myself repeatedly.

After talking with Angel about everything, there were no more shadowy places left in my life.  Satan

no longer had a foothold and I was finally free!!!  Angel helped me see that I was not alone on the path that I choose and that it was normal to choose the path that I took.  I no longer had to travel on this path alone because now there was light on the path and I was going to be okay.   I came in weekly and met with her up until my daughter was born.

If it was not for this wonderful woman at Anchor Point, who gave of her time to meet with me, I do not know if I or my beautiful daughter would even be here now.   She helped me see God’s strength and the love that He had for me.  She helped me see that I was not the piece of trash which I felt I was.   She helped me see that God still had a meaning and purpose for my life.  I for once felt like a huge weight had been lifted.  I was finally able to tell David and others about the truth in the rape because I no longer took the blame and I could deal with the truth myself.

I would like to say that all the pain and struggles were finally over and everything else was easy, but after I had my daughter, I often saw the person who had raped me in her.  This made it so very hard for me.  I love my daughter and she did not deserve me pushing her away.  I did everything I could do to make sure she had someone around her to show her love when it was hard for me to do so.

I went back in to Anchor Point again to get some help through this, so that I could see God when I look at her. They listened to me and prayed with me.  Each day I have been getting stronger.  The days that I see him in her have been fewer and fewer.  I now see a wonderful baby girl who God is going to bless and use for His glory!  God has shown me a vision of being able to share my story and help other women who have or are going through the same hurt and pain as I have.

I mentioned in the beginning my love for storms because, when you are going through the storms and the clouds are so dark, it makes the light just that much brighter when the rays of sun start coming through.   I just thank God that He put Anchor Point and Angel in my path to be a ray of light, to help me find God’s strength which has kept going each and every day.

My daughter is three and a half years old now.  I gave her a name which means the light of Christ, and she truly is.  I am a year out now to getting my masters degree in Spiritual Formation, and I am celebrating my 3rd year of owning my own massage clinic, so I can still use the gifts God has given me.  My God is so good!

BIO:  "Genesis James" is a mother of four children, a professional masseuse and now a pro-life blogger for Save The 1.  She is using a pseudonym to protect her family.