New
Year's Eve 1991, I was invited to go bowling
with a small group of people
who I hadn’t known for very long and didn’t know
very well at all. We bowled and we drank, but I don’t remember much more. I don’t remember leaving the bowling alley, but
I remember seeing headlights on our way somewhere.
I have no idea how I got into a hotel room. I only remember opening my eyes and knowing
that someone was on top of me. It took me a minute to comprehend what was
happening. I felt dazed. Once I realized the situation I was in, my
mind was screaming for me to push him off, but my body wouldn’t do what I
wanted it to. I had no strength. None. I
was dead weight. I am certain I was
drugged. I looked at my hands laying by
my sides and kept saying to myself, “Lift your hands; push him off!!” I stared at my hands waiting for them to do what
I was telling them to, but they never did and I passed back out.
After waking
up naked, confused, cold and terrified, I found my way home. I didn’t leave my house much. That went on for weeks. I didn’t tell anyone what happened. I felt depressed and dirty, and I wasn’t
getting out of bed very often. Then, about
the time I was beginning to come out of the “fog” of the incident, I began
getting sick -- every morning.
I looked in the phone book and found a place
that specializes in “crisis pregnancies.” I called and made an appointment. February 14, 1991 -- Valentine’s Day. I pee'd in a cup and waited for the results
that I already knew the answer to. The lady
came to the waiting area and took me back into a room to give me my results
where several counselors were waiting. They
told me I was pregnant and had a video for me to watch. I watched. I watched the life cycle of the baby in my
tummy. I learned about the heart
developing. This baby already has a
heartbeat. As I left the building,
that’s what I couldn’t get out of my head: a heartbeat.
I drove away
from there a very scared 18 year old and felt I had to tell someone. I chose my sister. When I arrived, she looked so beautiful in a
red formal dress, busy blowing up balloons, preparing for her engagement party
to her future husband. It was just me
and her in the room. “I’m pregnant.” I wasn’t feeling the excitement, but she had
enough for both of us and it gave me hope.
She could feel my despair, but never wavered.
One by one, I told those close to me about the "incident" and about the pregnancy. I was
blessed to have such a loving and supportive family. We’ve always been very close. I’m grateful I was surrounded by their love. It would carry me through the next eight months of
pregnancy, and far beyond.
As I was
going to sleep one night, I began praying to God. My Dad was a minister. My parents were missionaries when I was much
younger and I had been raised in church my entire life. As I lay there, I told God my hurt and my
fear. I told him that I choose life for
this baby and we’re in His hands.
I opened my
eyes the next morning and took a minute staring at the ceiling. During the night I had a vivid dream. I dreamt that I had a healthy, red-headed,
beautiful baby girl. I thought to myself,
“red-headed?”
On October 12,
1991, the contractions began. I called my
brother who wasn’t very far away. After
placing trash bags on all the seats, he let me in the car. Away we went. My mom soon arrived at
the hospital with us. Now it was just me and her, and the Doctor in the room, and things were getting real.
Twelve hours had past and finally Kayla Ann
was here. My mom held her briefly,
counted her fingers and toes and then handed me my healthy, red-headed,
beautiful baby girl -- just like in my
dream, only better.
“Before I formed you in
your mother’s womb, I knew you.” Jeremiah 1:5
Kayla Ann got
married a few years ago. She asked me to
walk her down the
aisle. As we walked together, my mind was like a movie reel of memories. I captured those memories in a poem for her:
aisle. As we walked together, my mind was like a movie reel of memories. I captured those memories in a poem for her:
It’s a girl, I heard them say and the journey began
that autumn day.
God decided that it’s you and me, by each other’s side
we will always be.
One years old! You’re walking! Starting school, you
won’t stop talking…
Caught another fish, made a dandelion wish. Honor
rolls, field trips, laughter and tears,
Sweet sixteen…..now you’re grown….. I’d do it all over
again.
Gorgeous eyes and confidence, you’ve persuaded hard
hearts to buy into this.
My bond with you, nothing compares, they have no idea,
they’ve never been there.
Don’t walk, Stomp your own path! Do your thing and
never look back.
My heart explodes with gratitude that I was given this
gift to be paired with you.
You are love, you are
laughter, you are my Happy Ever After.
“I will comfort
them. I will give them joy in place of their sorrow.” Jeremiah 31:13
BIO: Paula Love is the happy mother of two and
a very proud “Mimi” to two
incredible grandsons. In the quiet mountains of
Montana she spends her time with her family, tending her garden and gathering
chicken eggs! She left the big city life 16 years ago and never plans to go
back. Paula is also a pro-life blogger for Save The 1.
Awesome victorious life here. God meant it for good and it was
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